you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Randomize
