Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
