first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
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