I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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