i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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