I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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