I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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