And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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