Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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