i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
