marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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