A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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