I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
