Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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