last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
