She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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