whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
