She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
