You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
