She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
