this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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