I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
