I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Randomize
