haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
His nipple licking is glorious
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