So drunk its hurt
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
