I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
