he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
