im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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