I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
