That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
