My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
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The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
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I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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