Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
