new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
