you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Actions speak louder than pants.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
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I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
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Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.