there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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