so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
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Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried