Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
