HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
