the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Randomize
