Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
