she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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