I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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