Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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