Your mouth is God's brothel.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
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