I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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