if i can run in heels then i can drive
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
