3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So much Jack, so little girl.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize