he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
