he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
