Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
