I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
