At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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