home. puking in laundry basket.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
