I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
