I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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