jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
