return my video game
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
