Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
