Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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