I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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