Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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