If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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